The horror... THE HORROR !!!!!!!

Einar wrote:

What about Thorgrim finding and raising the giant baby snake that ends up in the Tower of the Serpent ? Every true fan wants to see that !!!

Well, in fanon, we have to surmise that Thorgrim personally put the little serpent on a special borshch diet-- made outve a combination of his steroid enhanced sperm and human parts. He then supervised its growth progress for 25 years in the Tower while forgetting all human speech and developed the ability to nod his head into an art form.

OK, Zula raided Thorgrims village in Nordheim, when they failed to sell out her circus show, and she was in heat so a bad combination there. Thorgrim himself is from a litter of 4 twins(or possible Thule genetic breeding program lead by the Hyperborean High Reich necromancer Himmlaric the First)and was either saved or bought by Thulsa Doom(Zula's brother or lover or possibly both). Doom, whom served once as a Safari guide to rich Hyperboreans in search of Aryas's sons in darkest africa, who found peddling dope paid more money under the guise as priest(tax break?) managed to amass a fortune and usurped the usurper King Osric his once employer-- while Thorgrim's brothers, Togra ended up as Taramis' elite guard captain-- and two other un-named brothers ended up as Brytag's useless bodyguard and the other as Gedrens elite kitchen guardsmen .

LOL if I was a rich man I would pay for this movie right now

It is also believed that the template or grand ancestor of Thorgrim ect, Himmlaric used, was the once great Valusian king Borna, who was killed at the hands of Kull 10,000 years before the birth of Conan. It is unknown whether Hyberboreans all look the same or bred this way through a perverse dark art genetic alchemy. In the Hyborian world many found employment as gladiators or elite guards, often falling at the hands of Conan.. who is thought to have brought them to the blink of extinction with his mighty Atlantean sword.

Its possible, although unconfirmed, that the last of this Hyperborean Nordheimoid bloodline survived well into classical times and nearly died at the hands of Maximus The Just in the Roman Colosseum -- where he was billed as Tigris of Gaul.

Speaking of Kull, some say he was the direct ancestor of the later Greek semi-god Hercules. In fact they both loved ginkgo shampoos and aloe-vera after shaves. They both proudly believed in the "Riddle of Rubber" and started a crusade to find the better rubber swords in the planet. A lot of great rubbersmiths were assassinated by Kull's hordes and not too long after he became the first rock-'-roll king of Valusia. That day he claimed:

BY THIS RUBBER AXE I RULE - but he didn't say that loud or even in a passionate way. He said it like saying WHAT TIME IS IT? because he was so charismatic he didn't need to be expessive. Hercules it is said to be the same.

Hercules, as some ancient sources reported, had a similar way of using the rubber swords as Kull: they didn't use them at all. When fighting an enemy, hold the sword, forget about it, and give some punches (with the very same fist that holds the sword). Why is that? That is explained by the RIDDLE OF RUBBER: what is rubber compared with the hand that wields it? I mean, rubber don't hurts too much, a good fist does. This phylosophy took Hercules and his grandpa Kull to practice fist fucking with their homosexual boyfriends Ioalus and Brule. Akivasha' vaginal spiderwebs were well known in the whole Valusia, though nobody was brave enough to claim Kull's gayerism as long as he would ractice fist fucking with him. Lucy Lawless didn't care about Herc being homo at all, she had some close girlfriends behind -(and above)-.

Shortly after Conan returned to Zamora after many years in the west, he decided he wanted to rearrange the mounds by dragging Valeria's pyre some 10 miles by hand to a new more secure location. But was saddned to learn that Subotai died of a drug overdose..some kinda drug called "Yellow Cake" or "Yellow Lotus" , that had the tendency to glow in the dark.. the hip new drug on the hyborian market.

To Conan's amazement, Subotai's fellow junkie tramp partner Malak was immune to the narcotic except for strange bald patches on his scalp and the ravenous hunger to digest crystals and diamonds. Conan brooded and surmised that this diet kept him alive and paid no further concern, however Conan didnt particularly like seeing Malak taking Subotai's coat and pants, but figured why would a dead man need it? He eventually found the strange little girly man funny to hang out with during moments of drunkenness. So With Conan's giant melancholies and great mirth, he took Malak under his wing and they decided to stay in Shadizar and honor Subotai' passing with thievery, drunkenness and camel punching. After Conan defeated Taramis, Conan took Subotai's body back to Hyrkania for proper burial..Conan found that these hyrkanians fortold Conan's destiny. He also found out , that, Subotai was a honest to god prince who abandoned his kingship to become a thief and adventurer in the west.

Subotai's kin thanked Conan very much for returning the body for a royal burial, and made him "highlord of Hyrkania"...So having no further concern, Conan makes a vow to help these Hyrkanians with their problem of the green orb which is known to float through time and space and devastate so many worlds and dimensions its power is known in the "Heavy Metal Annals of Skellos". Leaving behind his famous Atlantean sword which would've gave him away easily, as the sword is as well known as the name of Conan-- he took any old sword from the local street vendor to carry out this last labor and to finally fulfill his destiny...And went by the of name Prince Kalidor of Eternia.

Einar wrote:

And now this :

http://www.dreadcentral.com/story/exclusive-brett-ratner-considering-conan

On a side note, come to think of it, he was involved at some point on the "Escape from NY" remake.

More names to add to the possible directors list:

Quote :

El Mayimbe On That Brett Ratner Conan Rumor
September 18, 2008

El Mayimbe here...First of all, let's take a chill pill. Brett Ratner was NOT offered the gig on directing Conan. All it was, was a meeting. You see Nu Image is meeting with everyone in town. They took a meeting with Brett Ratner. But guess what? They also met with Neil Marshall, James McTeigue, The Strause Brothers, Mark Neveldine and Brian Taylor. This I will tell you...You know who else they met with and really want to take the gig? Robert Rodriguez. The problem with Rodriguez is a scheduling issue, he's booked solid. They are also going to meet with Juan Carlos Fresnadillo. So don't go and get excited folks, all Nu Image is doing is taking meetings with directors, hearing different takes, and seeing how things pan out. But as it stands, no one has been offered the job...YET. So there you have it. I'm off to hear the lamentation of the women. In the meantime, you can follow my updates on http://twitter.com/elmayimbe

Source: http://www.latinoreview.com/news/el-mayimbe-on-that-brett-ratner-conan-rumor-5408

That restores my opinion on Hollywood and Nu Images,lol. Honestly, I wouldnt mind Stallone taking a crack at this movie and the CONAN franchise, his RAMBO he made with that company, blows any of those listed clowns and their duds outve the water with ease . I do think he can do it justice as both a writer and director and can find the right actor for Conan I am sure as well.

Cromulus The Destroyer wrote:

I wouldnt mind Stallone taking a crack at this movie and the CONAN franchise, his RAMBO he made with that company, blows any of those listed clowns and their duds outve the water with ease . I do think he can do it justice as both a writer and director and can find the right actor for Conan.

It seems Ratner will be helming the video game to movie "God of War" for Universal.

http://www.darkhorizons.com/news08/081001b.php

http://www.aintitcool.com/node/38775

Quote :

AICN EXCLUSIVE! By Crom! It Looks Like CONAN Has A Director! (...) And now it appears to be official that Brett Ratner is directing the goddamn thing.

If true, then another one bites the dust, it'll probably be like the awful sounding Robocop reboot by that Arroncowky or whatever his name is.

I am partial to CTB and the old comics and DeCamp era CONAN. Currently I am looking forward to the new HERCULES movie more than CONAN or SONJA.

*OUTLANDER went direct to DVD, and is a mix of various movies. So the writing team are probably hacks.

Well, if he's going to be carrying the football, I just hope he doesn't monkeyfuck it.

One of my fears is Brenden Fraser as Conan. He was Ratner's choice for "Superman Returns" back when he was attached and pushed hard for him for the lead. I remember some of the nuts on Conan.com saying Stifler from "American Pie" would be a great Conan.

Cromulus The Destroyer wrote:

I remember some of the nuts on Conan.com saying Stifler from "American Pie" would be a great Conan.

That's just the tip of the iceberg of the kind of crazy ideas circulating over there...